Do you suffer from infant crying fear?

It is quite easily accepted these days to immediately attend to a crying infant. However, some don’t and it has nothing to do with the infant and everything to do with what the crying does to us…. Here are some incidents from our family.

Let me begin with saying that sheer over-exposure has made me not be too concerned with everyday crying and see it more as communication, but one night of inconsolable screaming can reduce me to begging, bribing, running to “God” (pediatrician)….

My father owns outright that he can’t bear to see Nisarga cry. When Nisarga was a couple of days old, he was hovering over my shoulder begging me not to tie him so “tightly”, and make him cry… I was like, hey, this isn’t tight. Watch him get his hands out in two minutes flat. And he kept talking over my shoulder all through, pleading on behalf of this little screamer as though I was out to do him deliberate harm and was intentionally making him cry. Talk about co-piloting motherhood.

Raka approaches crying like the UN negotiating a peace deal. He will pretty much talk outrageously submissive, offer all kinds of options for his son, if only he will agree to peace…. If that doesn’t work, he decides Nisarg wants his mom and hands him over like he is a lethal weapon.He has even put the crying infant down a couple of times rather than hold him till I come.

When Raka’s mom hears the baby cry, she tells me to first calm him down…. as though I’m letting him cry on purpose if I can stop it easily? lol. This is the woman who used to tell me that babies shouldn’t get picked up every time they cry….. that was before her precious grandson was born

I think the only one of us who is really anchored in reality is my mom. She meets him rarely, but she sees his crying exactly for what it is. Something is not okay at this moment for him. No panic, nothing. Unsurprisingly, he never cries with her (so far).

So, what are your stories? How does your baby’s crying shake the people who love him?

What does oiling of babies head have to do with closing of fontanelle

No, really!

Nisarga has a rash on his face. He had it earlier, and I told the massage woman to stop using oil on his head and face. It cleared. Once it cleared, everyone ganged up together to insist that he will not thrive unless his head is oiled regularly, particularly the fontanelle. That’s plain ridiculous. The fontanelle has a time frame in which it closes. That is that.

These are some facts that you can share with people you know.

The fontanelle closes around 18 months or a year and a half depending on whether you oil it or not.
This, coincidentally (or not) is also around the time the size of the head slows in growth.
Oily skin is prone to rashes and pimples. Ask your teenager, wife, sister, anyone who struggles with pimples.
Most of the time, washing the baby gently means that the oil is not properly removed from the scalp, and that’s plain bad news for the baby’s skin.
A baby’s hair will grow whether you oil it or not. Have you seen any naturally bald four year olds?
Coconut oil does nothing to improve your baby’s intelligence. You using your reasoning skills and setting the example does.
For that matter, oil is also not essential for the body. Does nothing for the bones. It is good because the massage is good, and you can’t massage all that much without using something for the friction. The choice is really to use the least irritating oil, and that should be good.

Like I said before, I’ve asked the maalish woman to stop, Stop, STOP using oil on his face and head. Unfortunately, she has the support of the husband and mother-in-law. Babies get all kinds of rashes is not a good enough answer for me, particularly when said rashes magically vanish once the head oiling stops.

Tomorrow is the big war (imagine suitable dramatic music). I exert the supreme authority I have over the baby from being its mother. The head oiling has to go, or the woman goes.

Stay tuned for the next episode post the great confrontation.

Beautiful morning

Woke up this morning to the music of Nisarg cooing loudly and waving his hands. It was quite clear he was trying to get my attention while I’d been sleeping.

He was hungry. My little sunflower had unfurled for the day, and smiling!!! What a lovely morning.

We had this beautiful feeding time with the early morning sounds of birds in the jamun tree outside. Nature indeed welcoming Nisarga into the day. All done, we both rolled back into bed and slept for another couple of hours all cuddled up.

These days he has discovered that he can make sounds to get our attention, so the crying is becoming even less (he wasn’t much of a crier to begin with) and we hear these really loud shouts “aaaae”

It is music to a mother’s heart to hear her son “call” her instead of crying helplessly. My little boy is growing!

How much teaching is too much?

In my eagerness to create the best world for my baby, I haunt online places for growth and development regularly. Forums are some of these. A common factor I find in these places is how much parents get their children to do. A real life friend of mine has a son who does a whole load of things – music, dance, chess, football, tennis, advanced mathematics, 5 languages ……

It makes me pity todays child who gets objectified into the canvas of the parent’s ambition. Sure, the modern thinking is to make learning fun. Yet, at the end of a day in Disney world, I do get tired. In the case of this friend, they speak Hindi, Marathi and English at home. In addition to that, she “exposes” him to French and German. And she is not alone. I hear echoes all over the forums for parent discussions.

I’ve noticed that there is a lot of attention paid to teaching babies second and third languages, etc. It makes sense if you speak those. For example, English, Marathi, Hindi and Kannada are spoken in our home, so baby will eventually end up understanding and communicating in them all. Or I can understand a family not usually speaking English at home making efforts to speak it around their child and supplementing it with lessons or other “exposure”. But why would I make such huge efforts to teach a language I don’t even know myself? What’s the point? How is it functional for communication?

The way I imagine things panning out is that as long as I can sustain exposure to the sources of the alien language, the baby will acclimatize to it. Once he is older and the exposure stops or fades when other more relevant and immediate learning and time needs come in, the “use it or lose it” will happen anyway. I don’t think that teaching for the first couple of years a language the child doesn’t get anything done from using (considering how daily contact is not in it, making it dysfunctional for communication most of the time) is going to keep the language alive in his mind for life. So then why?

Also, I’m looking at the impact of our overambition on our children. Whether we make it play or not, it is a constant bombardment of stimulation. If I have to expose my child to language, maths, sign language, creative activities, physical play, ….. when is the time to stand and stare?

I’m a very laid back person and do a huge amount of stuff naturally with Nisarga. Not much fazes me. But I get the jitters thinking of exposing a child to a “learning environment”, labeling it fun and making him accept all these alien things. And I hate the word exposing – you expose objects. People should have the respect of being offered a choice – you introduce, suggest…. Give respect, get respect. Youd child is learning more from how you are with him than he is from what you do with him.

But then, my idea of parenting is very attachment not only in the advertised manner, but emotionally too. I am perfectly okay with the baby clinging to me all the time, not being friendly with new people he meets, developing in his initial years with constants shared with his most trusted people. I find it a strange world where we make our kids independent when they are dependent, and then when they are exerting their independence as they grow up (teens onwards), we wish they would be closer to us. Plain unnatural. Ever heard of a baby needing to be taught to want closeness and safety of its mother/other close people? It is the “teaching to be social” and forced entry to the unfamiliar that breaks those bonds before they are ready to stretch. Once the child is vulnerable in a new situation and grows up fast to cope, what do they need the emotional side of their parent for?

You objectify the child, and the child slowly starts seeing you as a facility rather than person.

Ever heard of a baby needing to be taught to want closeness and safety of its mother/other close people? It is the “teaching to be social” and forced entry to the unfamiliar that breaks those bonds before they are ready to stretch. Once the child is vulnerable in a new situation and grows up fast to cope, what do they need the emotional side of their parent for?

You objectify the child, and the child slowly starts seeing you as a facility rather than person.

I’m aware a lot of my personal value judgments influence how I see this issue, but I find it remarkably like training a circus lion to jump through a flaming loop. Sure, a good trainer will make it fun, but a child needs to absorb the familarity of the “trusted” and the okayness of shying away from the “other” to be emotionally anchored in his own self-worth.

If a majority of the attention, enjoyment and appreciation a child gets is to teach something or the other or for health, etc. I am enabling an unfortunate belief in the child. I am important when I learn things. I am important when I do more and more things. I believe that if I do it too much, I will cause Nisarga to stop enjoying anything that doesn’t involve doing something, learning something or embracing every new challenge coming his way.

I think an important part of Nisarga’s upbringing is to be picking and choosing. What is immediately necessary is a priority. All else is a choice, and preferrably led by him. The day he shows curiosity about how different people in the world communicate if not in the languages he knows, is the day I’ll “expose” him to what they sound like, and if it interests him, we can take things from there. Otherwise, I’ll be happy knowing that we can communicate well with each other, and he can express himself and comprehend the world around him enough to be functional (self-sufficient is something he can decide for himself). Functional being defined by him being okay with the state of things.

If we move to France and he feels alone, I might help him learn French as a way of communicating with people. Otherwise, I’ll wait for him to show interest. If he doesn’t, that’s fine too. It will be one language more in a list of infinite languages that he doesn’t know. Big deal!

What I’m curious about is where do you as a parent draw the line? How much is too much?

How do we manage our desires and dreams with respect for the individuality of our child?

Atarax drops – things I didn't know

Okay, the baby had had a bad night two days ago, and the pediatrician prescribed atarax drops – 10 drops morning and night. She asked me to call back in a day.

I’d given him the drops and he slept most of the day away. I assumed it was from being so utterly exhausted. He hadn’t had another crying spell. When I called the doctor after 24 hours as told, she asked about how he was responding and I told her that, and she asked me to reduce his dose to 8 drops both times and call back in another 24 hours.

He’s doing fine.

Then, with my obsession with whatever the baby ingests, I searched online for information about Atarax drops and I found the following:

They contain Hydroxyzine Hydrochloride.
They are indicated for nervous stress, anxiety and neurovegetative disorders in cardiovascular affections (hypertension, arteriosclerosis, arrhythmia, stenocardia, nervous and circulatory asthenia), respiratory affections (nervous cough, chronic bronchitis, bronchospasmsl, gastrointestinal disorders (nausea and vomiting, gastric hypermotility and hypersecretion, gastric and duodenal ulcers, chronic colitis), and in pediatrics (tics, enuresis)….
Sleepiness is a common side effect!
It is possible to alergic to these – I HAD been thinking that Nisarg’s face looks a little swollen, but thought it was because of the crying….

In short, its a heavy duty medicine, particularly for such a small baby, and while it helps, it would have been good if the doctor could have explained how important it was not to give more than needed (I can imagine myself giving him “a little bit more” if faced with a screaming infant in the middle of the night – not that I do this easily with him, but that it feels remarkably powerless to see him hurt – luckily the situation didn’t arise). I think it also was crucial that we be told that we could expect him to sleep a bit more from the medicine and to watch out for possible allergic reactions.

It sounded like a regular medicine for babies, the way she gave it. Or maybe it is? I don’t know.

Anyway, it doesn’t seem to make him drowsy when it counts, and he had a fussy spell for two hours after taking the medicine before he would settle to sleep. Though luckily, it was more a needy state of being rather than outright wails. And then we slept like a pair of logs till morning.

Two month old using sign language

Okay, Nisarg is definitely using sign language. I’d thought so earlier.

Since then, he’s signed “milk” a couple of times more. I’d been trying to get a video, but he does it rather absently, and when I approach with my phone in hand, he starts interacting with me, waving and sucking his fist. Finally, I was able to capture the tail end of it as he got hungry when my mother-in-law was holding him….. Its not very clear, he does it just once, but check out his right hand. He was doing it with both when I came close and stopped

Things got ugly real fast after I shot this. We had a crying session. I guess he didn’t appreciate me just sitting there watching him when I could feed him.

He does it quite well. Maybe I’ll get a better video in a day or two.

Two month old signing milk?

Okay, its likely that I’m over reacting, but twice (for sure, and once unsure) since yesterday evening, we’ve seen Nisarg opening and closing his fist deliberately – the sign for milk. Both times I responded by offering to feed him, and he was hungry and fed well.

I show him the baby signing time video often because its bright and has music and stuff. He enjoys the music, and watches on and off. I had never thought he was paying attention. Perhaps he isn’t. I also do the sign for milk while I’m feeding him. That is something he definitely notices, as he is always looking intently at me as he feeds. I think he has realized that the sign for milk is accompanied by or followed by a feed.

Now, the question is if this is a coincidence or deliberate?

Everything I’ve read about baby sign language indicates that babies don’t start signing till they are 6 months old, as they don’t have that kind of coordination till then. On the other hand, Nisarg is definitely opening and closing his hands when he is hungry. It is not a very proper opening and closing – more like an uncurling of his fingers and curling back – neither does he make a proper fist, nor does he make his fingers completely straight.

It is quite likely that I’m imagining things.

On the other hand, a friend who runs a developmental toys library made an insightful comment when I told her about Nisarg letting me know when he wants to pee. She said, “They are telling us a great many things all through. It is about how observant and intuitive we are.” She thought it was a sign of my sensitivity and attention that I picked up his cues and we had a day without wetting a single diaper.

So I like to think that Nisarg is making the sign for milk. Whether he is actually trying to tell me, or simply hungry and remembers that sign as associated with feeding, I don’t know. He does it quite absently, like he is when he is talking to himself. As opposed to when he coos to us. So I think maybe he remembers the sign when he is hungry, without actually signing for us as such.

I’ll try to shoot a video and post it here, and you guys can tell me what you think.

Update: I tried this time when he did it, and he got distracted and started interacting with me…. So no go. Will try again when he does it.

Caring for gassy infant – How to treat gas in infant

Here’s some tips on caring for gassy infants born from my trial by fire:

At the FIRST sign of gas – crying, squirming, passing very little gas after a lot of action… use neopeptine. I’d say, when in doubt, use neopeptine too.
Comfort baby. Cuddle in fetal position. This brings legs closer to stomach and naturally helps pass gas, while making the baby feel secure.
Feed baby. Babies tend to have bowel movements (or attempts) when feeding. The feeding comforts as well as helps them move the gas along.
Put some massage oil (coconut oil should be fine) on your hands and rub the tummy gently. G-e-n-t-l-y. You are not trying to squeeze the gas out. Just soothe and encourage movement.
Move the baby a lot. The squirming that is tiring your baby out is basically the baby moving to help pass gas. You can be a huge help to baby here. Rock, swing, exercise legs in bicycling motions, hold legs up like for a diaper change….. keep changing positions. The baby will not settle till the gas passes, so a position change is only temporary relief. Don’t let the infant get all worked up when it loses its effectiveness, move to a different position.
Of course, when a position soothes baby, hold it for longer, or move to something else quickly.
The end of the baby that gas is expected to exit has to be higher. Gas rises, remember? So, if your baby is moving his head restlessly, rocking back and forth, etc, hold him vertical, pat back, encourage burp. If he is squirming the whole body, drawing up legs and kicking them out, etc. Put horizontal and raise legs, cuddle in cradle hold, lightly rub small circles on lower back, etc.

These are things to do while your baby is suffering. If you are breastfeeding your infant, it might help to look into fore-milk hind-milk imbalance or lactose overload (NOT lactose intolerance), which I have written about earlier.

Brillkids – does it work?

Recently, a friend asked me about my fascination with the Brillkids softwares. Does it actually work? They ARE very expensive!

The way I look at this is that the Brillkids softwares – both Little Reader and Little Math are tools. How effective they are depends on how well you use them. A committed parent could get more results out of chart paper and marker pens than one who gives up with the Brillkids Little Learner (as they are collectively called).

That said, they are infinitely better than that chart paper and much more convenient than flashcard sets. I’m trying to use flash cards with Nisarg and discovering that it is definitely a skill that takes serious honing. Take for example teaching him about family. What I’m doing is with many members of the family, but for the purposes of this example, lets take just Raka, me and Nisarg.

This resulted in 6 two sided picture and word flash cards. Mother, father and Nisarg in two languages and photos on the other side. Now, this still leaves space for Vidyut, Raka and baby, but that’s more cards. Close relatives I’d like him to learn are at least grandparents, uncle and aunts. Its a logistical nightmare to have physical cards, not to mention learning to flash them at a speed fast enough to lead to effective right brain learning.

That takes me to power point slideshows. At least Mistakes can be corrected painlessly. More than that, I can copy paste stuff to create the slide shows. With the addition of the Open Cards extension, I can flash them quite well too. Much better. There are several slideshows I can download, and creating new ones is easy enough. I can add sound files, so that anyone can show Nisarg his cards without worrying about what to say, when to flip and so on.

The next stage in this journey is the Little Reader. I can add several audio files for a word, several images. So that each time it says Mother, it can speak in a different voice – Raka’s, my mother-in-law’s, mine… and show different photos of me. Entertaining and holds his interest and can be set up really fast for the variety it outputs. Not to mention that I don’t need to create a thing to teach him body parts (for example). The community shares files. I can benefit from someone else’s efforts as others can benefit frommine. 10 people can teach kids 10 things for the effort of one. Plus I can add videos, create playlists and there are even lesson plans that I can simply play directly, when I don’t have the time to invest in planning all that.

I have ended up discovering stuff on some subject by downloading a file for Nisarg.

I am a busy person. This kind of quality and ease of use makes it far more interesting and sustainable in the long term for me.

As for Little Math…. Beats flashcards a million times over. You have to have used the physical number cards to know how awkward they are to handle, let alone “flash”, major learning curve and not particularly exciting for me. Creating cards or powerpoints with quantities to 100….. forget it.

Powerpoint is still good if you can lay your hands on some of the ready files for 100 numbers. Of course Open Cards flashes them for you. If you want to show random cards….. Numbers and dots mixed…. or anything different, you first gotta hunt a file for it, unless you have the patience to create it yourself. In which case, Pleeeease send me a copy?

And Little Math? Hold on to your seat. Show dots, images, customize to use pink panthers and blue trucks, or whatever your child enjoys watching in the place of dots. Show in sequence, randomize, with audio, placed random or in grids, ….. and I haven’t even started talking about equations and fractions and stuff.

So? Does it work? Works for me!

Infant ear pain

Another nightmare night.

Nisarg started fussing around bedtime and crying on and off. By 1am, he was crying full blown out. Screaming wails, hiccups, gasps, chokes, scary breathless sounds, constant screaming interspersed with exhausted and restless dozes he came out of within a couple of minutes.

I was scared. I woke up Raka around 4am feeling really scared, and the two of us spent another hour of the night feeling helpless, soothing, begging, bribing, whatever, but no go. By 5am, he was so tuckered out that he slept fitfully, sobbing at times in his sleep and waking up screaming if we put him down. So I held him, staring at that dear face with the swollen eyes, listening anguished to those slight sobs and gasps that continued as he slept.

Since he also was farting, I assumed it was a really bad case of gas.

By 6am, he was gone enough that he didn’t stir when I put him down, and I had a nap myself.

He woke up around 8am hungry, and slept through his feed and I put him back down. It was when he woke up screaming again at 11am that we got really scared and went to the doctor. The doctor thinks it might be his ear hurting him, since moving his head makes him cry more. She gave us something for it – Atarax drops. We are supposed to give 10 drops half an hour after Neopeptine for today, and without the Neopeptin for two more days. I guess we are covering our bases whether its ear pain or gas.

I think its gas because he passes wind when he cries and calms for a bit…. but then, is the wind passing from his straining when he cries, or is he crying because of it? Who knows? Its a chicken or egg thing.

Its such a horrible, horrible thing to see him in pain and not even be sure of what’s causing it.

He was crying again in the afternoon for a bit and then I think the medicine took hold. He’s sleeping as I write this. Totally deep sleep. This is crazy and not at all how I imagined being a mom to be. I’m willing to slay dragons and sacrifice whatever it takes for this guy, but hey, where is the dragon and what exactly is needed? No one told me it was such a tormenting guessing game!

Nisarga

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Monthly Archives: November 2009