Unfurling learning – the unschooling way

April 8, 2010

When I began unschooling Nisarga, he was two months old. I was often told by veteran unschoolers that it was too early to think about schooling or unschooling and to simply enjoy my child. Yet, experiential learning is a way of life with me, and I wasn’t adopting unschooling so much as I had found a name for what I was doing, and a community to help me find ways to do it better. I couldn’t have stopped.

At the same time, I had bought in completely to the opinion expressed that at this stage what I was doing would be attachment parenting, plain and simple. And it was. Yet, I experienced the living proof of what I say countless times – “We begin learning from experience from birth and stop at death. Its like breathing. We may consciously influence its quality, but we can’t stop.” And so it was.

Nisarga was learning a whole load of things, and my awareness of unschooling helped me apply the principles to support his learning at his level.

He is rather young, so it isn’t really about projects and things, but simply discovering the world, creating meaning out of experiences, learning to use our bodies (and I mean the ‘our’ – my own body has discovered many new ways it can be used in this process). I pretty much let him do what he wants. He wakes up, sleeps, plays, interacts or not at will. I let him guide me as to what to do. My chief role at this stage is loving him to bits (he’s one cuddly love-sponge).

He is slightly late developmentally in reaching milestones, so a lot of my responsibilities involve protecting him from unintentional and well intended training that makes him uncomfortable (‘making’ him bear weight on his feet, pressuring him to roll by constantly jangling stuff at him, etc). On the other hand, I am trying to balance ‘getting him to do’ things with providing him with opportunities he enjoys and it has resulted in some very new ‘games’. Currently, his chief toy is me. Followed closely by DH, MIL, an exercise ball, a swing, four foot ‘hit me’ dolphin and absolutely anything he can lay his hands on.

Unschooling provided me the concept of trusting him that helped me discover that I don’t need to make him do exercises to develop his motor skills. If I offer them in a way that’s fun, he prefers them over other things. If he doesn’t want to do them, its not the end of the world. He has taught me (by being excited) to create our own exercises by simply breaking down the movements he is trying unsuccessfully into smaller doable bits or supporting him through the bits he is not able and he enjoys these more, since they are what he wants to do in the first place. I found this AMAZING. He doesn’t need a pediatrician to tell him what to do and this way we always have variety and increasing movements than those ‘recommended activities’.

We intend to go out everyday, but he’s not too much into it. So we don’t, unless he’s in the mood.

He loves spending time on the floor and is currently obsessed with eating his feet and the feet somehow keep escaping. So he rolls to catch them and finds himself rolled over, which is new and interesting. But he doesn’t have the strength to do much from this position, so he yells for me after a while. Depending on his mood, I may pick him up for comforting (fed up) or I may hover him over his toys so that he can pick them up and throw them around the room. He loves this. He taught me this by simply being delighted when I took him over the first time. Another version is when he sits in my lap and plays with toys and I take him over to pick them up himself. He likes being bounced, so I bounce him whenever he asks (which is immediately every time he is in any bounce-capable position). He loves me, so he gets a lot of me. Absolutely unlimited attention, any time he wants it.

We are discovering that he is fine going out in the evenings for a short time if he has had a good nap and enjoys the busy market bustling with people, bright and curious things and moving vehicles. I have started seeing the miserable place as interesting through his eyes. I am learning to be tuned in to him and it is an intimacy I have never experienced before. Its just beautiful. he is a cheerful, expressive baby with a distinct preference for communication, and very little need to cry. Its not like he never cries, but its mostly physical issues like gas or burp, or someone not setting him down when he wants to pee – doesn’t like to pee on people.

I discovered (to my surprise) that there is indeed a way of unschooling a baby, which is unschooling and distinctly different from attachment parenting, or simply loving and indulging. He has interests and preferences. It is not only about being there for him and loving him, but actually paying attention to what he is doing, what he enjoys more, and offering more of the same. Respecting his wishes for what he doesn’t want. Pretty much what I imagine happens with an older child, but this is a baby and it works very well for his learning as well. He likes grabbing at toys. We got him more ‘grabby’ kind of toys. He likes movement, so we have a ball to bounce on, swing, plus a whole repertoire of throwing, swinging, rocking, etc that he enjoys. He doesn’t like rice cereal, so I don’t feed him that. He likes watermelon, so he gets that often. Its a whole load of things we do that we wouldn’t have before beginning unschooling, and I’m glad, because he is so happy, contented, energetic all the time. He takes most opportunities offered, which only makes me see how much more I can offer him. New ideas keep popping up, and life keeps getting enriched.

There is a long way to go, of course, but the journey is enthralling. I totally forget that this guy isn’t actually speaking, which is the thing I was most scared of before I became a mom – how would I understand the ‘tiny creature’?

It is difficult to say what exactly we do, since its pretty much based on what he wants to do in the moment, and in the last couple of weeks, no day has been like another. I guess he’s discovering more and more. My role is to simply make as many wishes of his possible as I can understand and offer anything that I think he may enjoy.

It is an unfurling, an opening. New possibilities emerge with each moment lived.

Would love to hear how other families spend their days.

Categories: Daily Life, Natural Parenting, Unschooling.

Tags: infant, Unschooling

This is mom

March 28, 2010

Nisarga just patted me when asked where is mom!!!

I’d been playing this game mostly because he likes it. I ask “Where is Nisarga?” and he just loves the question and gives huge gummy grins. Then I ask “Where is mom?” and I get another huge grin. We can do this for hours and he will not get bored.

There days, increasingly his grins are more and more huge for Nisarga and he waves his arms for Mom. Today, he patted me on my chest straight when asked “Where is mom?” WOW!!! I thought it was a fluke, so we did this a few more times, and he just grinned in delight for “Nisarga” and patted me a few more times for “Mom”. I guess this smart little guy knows who he is and who his mother is

Categories: Daily Life.

Introductory food

March 5, 2010

At Nisarga’s last doctor visit, the pediatrician had recommended that we start giving him a taste of some other foods, like rice water and fruit juices, etc. The rice water was a big flop. Nisarga was much less than not impressed at all. However, the fruits were a different story.

We began with a tiny piece of banana that I mashed up completely and mixed with breast milk to make very liquid. Gave a tiny taste. Eyes wide open, he carefully considered a taste and obviously approved, seeing as he took as much as I gave him. We did banana two more times, one of which was followed by an upset tummy, so we stopped, though I don’t think the tummy upset was because of the banana.

I grated an apple very fine, and gave him that once. He enjoyed it, arms waving and wide grins.

But the biggest hit so far is watermelon. Its crazy hot these days, and walking through the market, I saw watermelons and picked one up. Took one piece and crushed it in a strainer to collect a little less than half an ounce of juice. One taste and this baby was hooked. Lip smacking, coos of approval, mouth opening wide for more, demanding “aaagoo”s if I got late, laughing, babbling, the works, with limbs waving merrily. Okay, we like watermelon beyond anything we have tasted so far.

When he’d finished the juice, he was nowhere near ready to stop, and kept pouting and crying for more. This is the first time this guy wanted something, but since it was his first time, I didn’t want to give too much. He wasn’t interested in breastmilk, and I had to distract him with a serious session of throwing him up and catching him to help him forget the fruit from paradise and come to a place where he could nurse to sleep for his nap

He’ll get more watermelon tomorrow for sure.

Categories: Daily Life, Food.

Its a new day

March 5, 2010

Nisarga is in great spirits today. Laughing, talking with us and himself if we aren’t around, trying to get his feet to his mouth….

Its a busy life for a busy little baby.

We had our first bath in a bright inflatable tub I got from a friend, and Nisarga discovered that water can be splashed, and that it is all great fun. Unfortunately, since I was alone, I was not able to click pictures, but I will try and post some from our next bath. This little guy splashed furiously, and then grinned from ear to ear at what he was able to do.

I am learning to see the little delights of life.

When I had my bath after he was done, I splashed a little water too, and it was all great fun. It didn’t have a purpose, so I guess I didn’t do it anymore, but I find that the purpose of joy is good enough for me these days.

Categories: Daily Life, infant.

Transformation

February 18, 2010

I have learned living in a whole new way from my son.

For a long time, I’d been wondering, where do I express this. The transformation is manifesting in my personal life, so it could go on my personal blog, the transformation is manifesting in my professional life, so it should go on my professional blog, and the source of the transformation is Nisarga, so it belongs here. As you see, I am here, sharing this.

What is this transformation?

Before Nisarga was born, I had committed to myself that I would not blindly do anything without understanding what I was up to.

When he was born, I discovered that I pretty much knew nothing. Of course, it was my first child. What did I know? I started finding out. I discovered that if I was paying attention, I understood him very well. Life is simple. Smile is yes, frown is no, intent gaze is interest, show me more.

I discovered that responses change, and what brought a smile usually, may not be liked at all at some time. It was a learning in constantly seeing with attention, being with caring. This is not as tedious as my description. It is fascinating to discover that like me, like any other person, this little guy is taking in the world around him, selecting what to pay attention to, and has his own opinions about it.

Seeing how explanations don’t make sense to him, I learned to move away from them, and simply be with what is, however inexplicable, and discovered that it is. It doesn’t need explanations to be possible, because it already is. If he wants to nurse fifteen minutes after he was done, it doesn’t matter why. What matters is that he is hungry. The ‘Again?’ of surprise is irrelevant too. Living in the now means he needs me to nurse him. I don’ need to understand why, just do the needful. He has his own reasons, and no one else needs to know.

With time, I became so used to this, that explanations are dissolving from my life leaving my mind free to really see the need without analyzing its validity with everyone. Relationships are unfurling from the haze of unnecessary judgments I didn’t even know I used to clutter myself with. I find myself listening, really listening, and the responses I get reflect the new freedom I haves started bringing with me.

Life is different. Intimate. Rewarding.

And I can see how a child gives birth to a parent. I’ll go ahead and say that it is silly to focus on teaching your child, when there is so much you can learn.

Categories: Child, Daily Life, development, learning resource, proud mama, reflections.

Unschooling Nisarga

January 22, 2010

Okay, its world war three, and as usual, I’m in the thick of things. This time, it is the declaration that Nisarga will not go to school. This has sparked a minor wave of arguments. Many have shaken their heads wryly thinking that its yet another of my strange ideas. Those who know me better have started their own campaigns of explaining how school is necessary to a well rounded childhood (as though they have explored options), how it will be difficult to sustain year after year the strain of educating the child, and more.

I find schools overrated.

I have been in one as a child. While not traumatized, it isn’t something to write home about.

My reasons for deciding to unschool Nisarga:

Schooling is a huge investment in time. Compared with the time I invested in it, I have got precious little back. That is not to say I didn’t learn anything. It is simply saying that much of what I learned is rarely useful in life, and many things I learned actually harm my well being in real life.
Schools teach us to quantify people based on a standard scale. We don’t really need much of what we learn in school, and most of what we need to learn in life, we learn from life. Yet, kids start believing themselves as clever or dumb based on what some ambitious bunch of teachers decides as life skills.
The education system has no real way to impart necessary knowledge. One may argue that maths, science, history, language, etc are the foundations of learning. One may argue that they are certainly not. The fact is that very few schools actually prepare you for life. With calculators all around, I see no reason for my son to waste some of the prime developmental years of his life learning methods to divide 679676876 by 5875. Been there, done that, and never done it in real life. Always used a calculator – on my phone, my computer…
Many subjects of knowledge are not covered though we pretend they are. Art for example is a joke. So is language, where a student will actually be considered ‘less’ for using slang, or ‘street language’ which is really an important part of speech in real life.
Students are carefully molded into prescribed human beings and measured according to their ability to conform. This is actual damage.
Think of all the life experience that he actually can learn things of interest to him that he can fit in in the coming 16 years (basic schooling). Travel, experimentation, art, science, people skills, computers, television, whatever. Whatever works. Once we aren’t obliged to measure our worth from standardized and useless examinations, there remains no real need to limit ourselves to prescribed learning and tentatively dabbling in our real interests. I see no reason why a kid can’t play video games all day and then grow up to make a living out of it. Or to play with colors and become an artist. Or to take apart things, improvise and then become an engineer or scientist. Or to become all of the above because he wants to, or to choose something else altogether.
I suspect that schools often serve the purpose of keeping the kids occupied for parents who would much rather not have the hassle of dealing with their growth. This is not needed for me. I enjoy growing with him

I am not planning on teaching my child anything at all. Let alone school. I will share what I find important if he finds it interesting. If he doesn’t, there is really no need for him to learn to do maths (for example) till he needs it and figures it out. Or to know about all the countries in the world or to read history only to forget it. The big thing I am going to do to support his growth is to stop interfering with my own ideas of what is best for him.

For all those of you concerned that I’m going to ‘ruin’ my child, I appreciate your concern, and share my trust that he is a person and if learning turns out to be essential, he is capable of making a choice to engage in it as much as he likes.

If you have read this far, and see some value in what I say, I’d like to share that I have also discovered that unschooling is practiced by many people over the world. That is how I realized that my “no intention of sending my child to school (since before I even married)” actually had a name, and my instinct was indeed leading me to something many involved and caring parents found value in. You may find out more on:

http://www.naturalchild.org
http://sandradodd.com/unschooling
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole new world waiting to be discovered.

This is unorthodox. I know. But then I have never really been famous for following the rules.

PS: If you wish your child to excel in maths, this article is a must read.

Categories: Child, Natural Parenting, Unschooling, development, growth, learning resource, reflections.

A beautiful year

January 21, 2010

Its the 31st of December. I look back at this year and wonder at how much has changed. Last year, this time, I was not even actively thinking of a baby. A working professional, parties galore, life was good. Now, I have a young son. I am a stay at home mom. Making new discoveries about relationships, motherhood and sharing what I know of the world with this little one. Life is even better.

Categories: Daily Life.

Thank you Google!

December 21, 2009

Just got an email from Google with my New Year gift. It was a link to a page with an animation of the earth spinning, and this message:

This gift is for someone very special: Everyone

Because charities are experiencing their toughest year in decades, we have committed $20 million to helping those who help us all. Our gift to you is a gift to them.

Followed by a list of charities around the globe.

I keep being surprised and touched with the way Google is sensitive to people. Be it a no-clutter search page for those in search of something, highly intuitive features to their services, or something out of the blue – like this gift. Not to mention I just love their whimsical sense of humor too.

Of course, like all mass emails from Google, the reply field was ‘no-reply’, so I thought I’d post my thanks here.

A big thank you to you, Google! I can’t afford to support on such a scale, much as I want to see it happen. You have brightened up my new year. This is the best ‘mass-gift’ I have received. EVER.

Thank you once more

Categories: Daily Life, beauty.

Breastfeeding in public

December 18, 2009

I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding for many reasons, but the chief ones are:

Its the best choice of nutrition for my baby
Immunity or at least resistance from a lot of stuff – don’t really know from experience – Nisarga is my son – we have no use for doctors other than regular vaccinations and gas. Or maybe that is the experience.
Its quick and convenient – nothing has a response time faster than unbuttoning and putting baby to breast. I have absolutely no intentions of going to the kitchen to fix formula, clean bottles and so on with a hungry baby on hand

Bonus:

Lose your pregnancy weight faster
Have a baby who absolutely prefers you over anyone else in the world
Save money in products, doctor’s fees…. breastmilk is the best in quality and free!

That said, one of my first purchases was a breast pump. At that time, with a new baby, I didn’t really know how available I’d be, and I wanted to keep a supply of milk on hand ‘just in case’. It has proven invaluable countless times, allowing the baby to be fed when I hop out to a shop or when I’ve had too much sleep deprivation. I had initially planned it to store milk for going out for work for a couple of hours too, but I’ve lost the inclination for that.

I am quite happy with India on the breastfeeding front, seeing how we are used to seeing women feeding their babies anywhere and everywhere. Sadly, this is now vanishing with ‘education’. Apparently the more educated you are, the more tempting your breast looks to people with evil thoughts. Good that I stopped before getting too educated.

Initially, I used to carry bottled milk to feed the baby when heading out in public. I was not very expert at it, and didn’t really want the baby to suffer from my incompetence and needs of specific kinds of support to be able to feed well. This really had nothing to do with public places. I would still have prefered the bottle if totally alone and secluded without adequate time and fidgeting support.

Now that I’m comfortable and the baby is a pro at this whole breastfeeding thing, the bottle is strictly for when I have to leave him behind to go somewhere and it is always a backup plan. Plan A is always to feed him and get back before he gets hungry again, or take him along.

I am getting used to people slowly recommending starting formula, and foods and what nots. With all my criticism of the older generations for unthinking child care practices, its actually my contemporaries who make these ‘helpful’ suggestions. My parents and in-laws have never so much as said ‘food’ with relevance to the baby at this age, and will probably disinherit me and adopt Nisarga if I even think of formula.

Yet my friends have recommended giving all kinds of things sooner than six months:

Water: Babies get thirsty
Juices: For digestion
Formula: For putting on weight
Cow’s Milk: For convenience
All of the above: for public places

Somewhere along the line, women can wear barely visible clothes in public and its trendy, but breastfeeding is obscene. What’s wrong with this picture? I have yet to see a single person – even street lechers – look at a breastfeeding woman with lust. Curiosity, sure. Appreciation at the beautiful bonding, often, but never really “hey sexy babe, show me your boobs” variety. Even if they did, how does it matter?

I eat in public when I’m hungry. Can I expect an infant not to?

A friend of mine got really distressed when I shared these thoughts and went into a flood of advice about using my breast pump and carrying a bottle along. Sure, I’ve done that. I’m not saying its a bad idea and it works so that someone else can feed him if necessary. Yet, there’s only so much milk a bottle contains, and only so much my breast contains. I find it far more graceful to have Nisarga feed than huge wet blobs on my clothes.

Then she suggested finding a private place like a restroom. You mean breastfeeding is so shameful that it must be hidden even if it means that you go into an entirely unhygienic place to FEED? Would YOU eat in a restroom? Ever seen what a restroom in a mall is like? What do I do if I’m travelling? Stop a flight, bus, car?

I miss living in the village where you could see a woman sitting in a field under the sky with a baby to her breast for all to see. I have yet to meet one who looked for a convenient bush to go behind. We appreciate photos of women breastfeeding in art shows, but deny that beauty in ourselves.

In a family gathering, kids and moms had a room to camp out in and I was breastfeeding Nisarga. Suddenly the door opened to have an uncle asking something from a cousin inside. With Nisarga barely a month old, we had a certain celebrity status, and everyone took moments to speak with me. This uncle saw me, and chatted. A sister-in-law with a grown up son was sitting nearby shell shocked. I was feeding and talking with a male at the same time!!!

I carry along a scarf or something suitable to drape. Its more to prevent Nisarga from getting distracted than for me to hide what I’m doing. Its a certain intimate boundary that feels nice. It certainly wouldn’t stop me if I had nothing to cover up, and Nisarga was hungry, though at his age we haven’t been out enough to get into that situation. And I definitely wouldn’t go into a public toilet to feed my baby. I’ve never been obsessed with how much of me is seen or hidden, and my husband can sit right next to me and not bat an eyelid. Where is the problem?

How is it that parents willing to go to fantastic extents to get admissions to some exclusive school, or be seen by only a child specialist with exhorbitant fees, or have every excellent toy for their child don’t value something that is the very fabric of life itself? Or is it because it doesn’t have a monetary tag attached? Or is it because its so ridiculously easy to manage, that its not important?

This is one area where the traditional old-timers have it right. Feed baby. Feed often. Don’t worry about the rest till your baby grows up.

What do you do/support/plan?

Categories: reflections.

Milk drunk

December 7, 2009

The hand flops limp in an abandoned sprawl

As the mother shifts the baby to its bed

A brief moment of wakefulness and it seeks around

And touches the soft fabric of mom’s shirt

Clutching that precious bit of mom

Reassured, falls limp again

As only one with a full stomach and dry bottom can

When he has spent his waking moments striving to be his best

An enterprising baby is now a satisfied baby

And heads off into whatever baby dream worlds exist

Categories: poetry.

Funny Little Baby

November 28, 2009

Baby playing in his cradle

I was working at something on the computer, when Nisarga’s piercing wail scared me to bits. I jumped from my chair and rushed to him in record time. Imagine what this guy’s problem was?

He had woken up quietly and was playing on his own, I guess. These days, he grabs the rods on the side of the cradle. I found him like that, holding the rod strongly, and trying very hard to move his hand, crying in fear because it was stuck!!!

I opened his tiny fist from the rod and his hand shot free. I had earned myself a teary smile.

Bad, bad cradle had trapped my precious child

Categories: Daily Life, Humour, infant.

Tags: baby, funny, Humour

The first week with your newborn

November 24, 2009

The first week passes in a daze of information overload and sleep deprivation. Everything is new, emotional…..

Too much is happening. The body has gone through a tough time, a whole new person is attached to me like superglue for the foreseeable future, too many people coming over to meet, well meaning advice being shoved down your throat, well intentioned help invading my private space, information overload and not enough time to process it, no sleep, joy, anxieties, bringing the baby home……

For me, the first week was actually tougher than the birth.

Categories: Daily Life, newborn.

Do you suffer from infant crying fear?

November 22, 2009

It is quite easily accepted these days to immediately attend to a crying infant. However, some don’t and it has nothing to do with the infant and everything to do with what the crying does to us…. Here are some incidents from our family.

Let me begin with saying that sheer over-exposure has made me not be too concerned with everyday crying and see it more as communication, but one night of inconsolable screaming can reduce me to begging, bribing, running to “God” (pediatrician)….

My father owns outright that he can’t bear to see Nisarga cry. When Nisarga was a couple of days old, he was hovering over my shoulder begging me not to tie him so “tightly”, and make him cry… I was like, hey, this isn’t tight. Watch him get his hands out in two minutes flat. And he kept talking over my shoulder all through, pleading on behalf of this little screamer as though I was out to do him deliberate harm and was intentionally making him cry. Talk about co-piloting motherhood.

Raka approaches crying like the UN negotiating a peace deal. He will pretty much talk outrageously submissive, offer all kinds of options for his son, if only he will agree to peace…. If that doesn’t work, he decides Nisarg wants his mom and hands him over like he is a lethal weapon.He has even put the crying infant down a couple of times rather than hold him till I come.

When Raka’s mom hears the baby cry, she tells me to first calm him down…. as though I’m letting him cry on purpose if I can stop it easily? lol. This is the woman who used to tell me that babies shouldn’t get picked up every time they cry….. that was before her precious grandson was born

I think the only one of us who is really anchored in reality is my mom. She meets him rarely, but she sees his crying exactly for what it is. Something is not okay at this moment for him. No panic, nothing. Unsurprisingly, he never cries with her (so far).

So, what are your stories? How does your baby’s crying shake the people who love him?

Categories: Daily Life, Humour.

Tags: baby crying, calming a crying baby, how to deal, infant crying fear

What does oiling of babies head have to do with closing of fontanelle

November 21, 2009

No, really!

Nisarga has a rash on his face. He had it earlier, and I told the massage woman to stop using oil on his head and face. It cleared. Once it cleared, everyone ganged up together to insist that he will not thrive unless his head is oiled regularly, particularly the fontanelle. That’s plain ridiculous. The fontanelle has a time frame in which it closes. That is that.

These are some facts that you can share with people you know.

The fontanelle closes around 18 months or a year and a half depending on whether you oil it or not.
This, coincidentally (or not) is also around the time the size of the head slows in growth.
Oily skin is prone to rashes and pimples. Ask your teenager, wife, sister, anyone who struggles with pimples.
Most of the time, washing the baby gently means that the oil is not properly removed from the scalp, and that’s plain bad news for the baby’s skin.
A baby’s hair will grow whether you oil it or not. Have you seen any naturally bald four year olds?
Coconut oil does nothing to improve your baby’s intelligence. You using your reasoning skills and setting the example does.
For that matter, oil is also not essential for the body. Does nothing for the bones. It is good because the massage is good, and you can’t massage all that much without using something for the friction. The choice is really to use the least irritating oil, and that should be good.

Like I said before, I’ve asked the maalish woman to stop, Stop, STOP using oil on his face and head. Unfortunately, she has the support of the husband and mother-in-law. Babies get all kinds of rashes is not a good enough answer for me, particularly when said rashes magically vanish once the head oiling stops.

Tomorrow is the big war (imagine suitable dramatic music). I exert the supreme authority I have over the baby from being its mother. The head oiling has to go, or the woman goes.

Stay tuned for the next episode post the great confrontation.

Categories: traditions.

Tags: fontanelle, infant, oil

Mother development

November 16, 2009

I used to think of myself as a pretty self aware person. And sure, to a great extent, I am. But then, the self is like an onion the more layers you peel off, the tastier the core remains.

Nisarg is throwing me into a new learning curve as a person. It is impossible to have masks with infants. They operate on such a primitive level, that they simply don’t comprehend the masks. I may talk of patience and being there for him at 4am in the morning, but he knows what I will never verbalize – sleep, damnit!

Needless to say, it doesn’t work. Then, as my impatience shows through, he gets agitated. Eventually, exhausted, I’m beyond impatience, and what he sees is what he gets. A limp, sleepy mom. And suddenly sleep sounds like a good idea to him too.

Approaching the same situaiton in another way, I could say that my moods transfer to him. If I’m tense, I will never be able to get him to relax. If I’m waiting for him to sleep, he’s waiting right along with me…..

I may talk baby talk with him, but when I enjoy myself, I get gummy grins. When I’m just talking to “make him quiet” I get hurt and puzzled looks as he shreds my heart by looking into my eyes when he cries.

Many inexplicable situations later, I’m slowly starting to question the honesty of my behaviour. Sure. I’m honest to some extent. But what is the real issue? What are my feelings for my son that I disown because they are not “appropriate”?

This reminds me of some comments I got on my poem “What you see is what you get” on facebook and in my emails. The essence is:

A child gives birth to a mother.

The teacher comes as the humble student.

I think it is important that I remember that juust because I happened to be born earlier doesn’t mean that I know it all. Just because he is dependent on me doesn’t mean that the vast learnings he brings me are to be less respected than the most insightful guru around. Just because he isn’t a famous guru doesn’t mean that he is any less effective in transforming my life.

Its incredible how when I strip off all the facades, resign myself to the demise of all pretences and embrace the joy of simply being; how much joy I am able to spread. How much caring I am able to convey. How much support I am able to contribute…. How much MORE I am, just because a pint size teacher chose to be naked and embrace life with open arms.

Categories: reflections.

The torment of (in)decision

November 15, 2009

How does one go on fighting against all odds? How does one keep struggling to keep a family afloat, when no one else seems to care? How can a man look at his own flesh and blood child and keep coming home drunk? Where does a woman draw the line between giving up too easily and walking away while she can?

What does a mother answer a child curious about a father distanced because of her decisions? What does a mother answer a father about their child she’s taking away?

The world is a cruel place. There are many who would like to listen to your woes and gleefully prescribe how things should be. And no “solution” fits the problem.

I’m going through a bad, bad time. Pressured on every front there is – relationships, money, responsibility, scarcity….. Naturally, since its me, it follows that the one place where me having a problem would have an easy answer has no problem. The joy of my life is Nisarg. I feel just peachy to be a mom. Other problems that were already huge before this little guy came are now overwhelming.

There are no easy answers. No one to support me if I walk away from my family, and no one to support the family financially if I walk away. The sorrow is that the only thing to crash in my absence would be the finances. Shows how used I allowed myself to be.

Now, I have a little one to think of. Safety, relationships, life…. I have made the choices that bring me here. He hasn’t. How do I go on so that he doesn’t suffer for mine?

Categories: vulnerability.

My little sunflower

November 15, 2009

Just warms my heart to see,

This tiny piece of me

Full of smiles and coos

He has nothing to loose

As he follows me around with his eyes

When out of sight, he calls with cries

For he is my little sunflower,

And I’m his mother

Categories: poetry, reflections.

Pain and fear

November 13, 2009

Just had some awful news. A friend of mine had a son recently and he developed some problems after birth and had to be hospitalized, where he died after two days. This must have been the hardest thing I have ever done….. I gave her a call and spoke with her briefly.

What do you say to a new mother who loses her child?

Just the thought of it was enough to shred all coherence from me, and we spent some torturous minutes of uncomprehending grief.

As a new mother myself, I have no fear greater than this, and I can only imagine how a mother who should have been celebrating instead is dealing with engorged breasts and no one to feed. All the hopes, dreams, love….. shattered.

I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know what to wish for…. Not my child. Mine is waving his hands and cooing as I swipe at tears, in a complete role reversal. For once, he doesn’t know why I’m crying and what to do about it. I’m grateful that I’m crying over a loss I will not be living with.

Categories: pain, reflections, vulnerability.

The journey of vulnerability – A timeline

November 6, 2009

Two eyes met, attraction sparked.
Sexy, confident, secure

Two hearts met intention formed
Invincible together

Two lives merged, married
Embraced and celebrated

Differences arose, got resolved…. or not
Experience grew

A small line on a stick changed colour
Eagerness stirred

The new life coming up became more and more real
Plans began – would they be?

The child was born
The heart burst wide open

The child continued to be
starry dreams stood on stake

Choices swayed in the wind, uncertainties trembled on melting edges
would my baby pay the price of this unthinking ignorance?

and now…..

The secure heart has this gaping hole of vulnerability and glorious fragility marches forward with purpose.

Categories: poetry, reflections, vulnerability.

What you see is what you get

November 4, 2009

What you see is what you get
I live with innocence.

Scary innocence like I never thought possible
Courage to be defenceless in the unknown
And face and meet whatever comes along
Till I want to hide him away to keep him safe

One little guy who smiles, cries, grunts, stares
And what you see is what you get

No camouflage, no subterfuge, no pretences, no protection
Can I bear it?

Can I have the courage to keep looking into this mirror day after day?
Can I rediscover myself to meet that honesty?

My life throws up difficulties of simplicity
My self expands to encompass everything and fails

Yet I keep living each moment to my capacity
There is one to whom I am all he knows as okay

Where I have the power to define an entire world
I try that what he gets is what he sees in me.

Categories: poetry, reflections.

Travel tips to India

October 12, 2009

While searching for diaper rash because I wanted to know what its like, I came across a page with the stupidest information for visitors traveling to India with infants. Not only is it factually incorrect, it stinks of pseudo superiority.

I have a lot of friends who are foreigners (as in non-Indians). Many of them have kids. Some bring their kids here, a few have given birth in India. The top three things I hear from parents of infants about their India experience are:

The tradition of post-partum massage in India totally rocks. Its the ultimate in pampering, and the stomach binding methods really help new moms get back into shape.
India is a place to be experienced anew through the wonder of a young child.
If you want to potty train your kid, bring him to India, and let a few of the grannies at him/her. Quick, painless and blessed freedom from marathon diapering.

I also know quite a few Indians who have settled abroad. These people seem to have lost touch with their sense of wonder in their need for looking down at the very things they grew up and flourished on. Take for example this article with its snobbish approach.

Number one problem in India is mosquitoes! Wow!!! And what problems Harish faces with them. Mosquito nets are too hot, coils are a bad idea (I agree). odomos is unsafe for children, and to bring electronic repellents before entering India. This guy has seriously lost touch with what India has become. Whatever happened to the liquid repellents like All out? Odomos works fine on kids as young as you like as long as you don’t apply it on areas babies suck – hands. I don’t even know that it does harm if applied to hands.
Water is a big problem. Sure – in some places, but bringing a kettle from US of A to boil it? The smallest roadside dhaba will give you all the boiled water in a clean utensil you want for free. Never mind the relatives you have come to meet.
Infant formula can be found in one store in Mumbai? Is this guy nuts or totally clueless about shopping for babies? Its more like one store every 5 minutes in any direction.
Not to bring babies under 2 years, one year etc. And here I was, an idiot for thinking that breastfed babies would have better immunity as well as make water problems irrelevant. Though if the guy has “psuedo-civilized” enough, he probably thinks breastfeeding is something the primitive Indians do and real babies thrive on formula.

Oh, I could go on and on and on…. but one thing leaps to my mind. Cheerful parents make cheerful babies and fussy parents make fussy babies. What wonder is it if the baby keep suffering because that seems to be all the parent can see?

While I hate to stereotype, this is such a glaring pattern, that I’d be lying if I’d de-nationalized it.

The British have left India, but the hangover of inferiority remains. For many people in India, reaching a place where they are better than other Indians imprisons them from appreciating what is, in their hunt for what’s wrong. They can relocate, but the mind remains in their prison of insecurities. There are two ways to be higher my friend. One is to life life to our best. The other is to push everything near us down. Guess which is easier, and which is more satisfying.

On the other hand, non-Indians enter India with a desire for discovery, prepared fully to enjoy their visit, and they find an enriching experience and adventure in the same land with the same number of shops and availability of products.

We can choose to win or whine. Remember, we will soon have echoes of our words coming out of our children’s mouths. What is the world we want them to discover? What is the attitude we want to encourage?

Categories: infant, travel.

Baby's naming ceremony

September 13, 2009

We had a small naming ceremony for the baby yesterday. We have named our son Nisarg.

Since Nisarg is still quite young, we decided on an immediate family only event, which went exactly as we had hoped. With lots of love, cheer and caring.

Nisarg means nature in Marathi.

Categories: infant, milestone, newborn, traditions.