November 15, 2009
How does one go on fighting against all odds? How does one keep struggling to keep a family afloat, when no one else seems to care? How can a man look at his own flesh and blood child and keep coming home drunk? Where does a woman draw the line between giving up too easily and walking away while she can?
What does a mother answer a child curious about a father distanced because of her decisions? What does a mother answer a father about their child she’s taking away?
The world is a cruel place. There are many who would like to listen to your woes and gleefully prescribe how things should be. And no “solution” fits the problem.
I’m going through a bad, bad time. Pressured on every front there is – relationships, money, responsibility, scarcity….. Naturally, since its me, it follows that the one place where me having a problem would have an easy answer has no problem. The joy of my life is Nisarg. I feel just peachy to be a mom. Other problems that were already huge before this little guy came are now overwhelming.
There are no easy answers. No one to support me if I walk away from my family, and no one to support the family financially if I walk away. The sorrow is that the only thing to crash in my absence would be the finances. Shows how used I allowed myself to be.
Now, I have a little one to think of. Safety, relationships, life…. I have made the choices that bring me here. He hasn’t. How do I go on so that he doesn’t suffer for mine?
Categories: vulnerability.
November 13, 2009
Just had some awful news. A friend of mine had a son recently and he developed some problems after birth and had to be hospitalized, where he died after two days. This must have been the hardest thing I have ever done….. I gave her a call and spoke with her briefly.
What do you say to a new mother who loses her child?
Just the thought of it was enough to shred all coherence from me, and we spent some torturous minutes of uncomprehending grief.
As a new mother myself, I have no fear greater than this, and I can only imagine how a mother who should have been celebrating instead is dealing with engorged breasts and no one to feed. All the hopes, dreams, love….. shattered.
I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know what to wish for…. Not my child. Mine is waving his hands and cooing as I swipe at tears, in a complete role reversal. For once, he doesn’t know why I’m crying and what to do about it. I’m grateful that I’m crying over a loss I will not be living with.
Categories: pain, reflections, vulnerability.
November 6, 2009
Two eyes met, attraction sparked.
Sexy, confident, secure
Two hearts met intention formed
Invincible together
Two lives merged, married
Embraced and celebrated
Differences arose, got resolved…. or not
Experience grew
A small line on a stick changed colour
Eagerness stirred
The new life coming up became more and more real
Plans began – would they be?
The child was born
The heart burst wide open
The child continued to be
starry dreams stood on stake
Choices swayed in the wind, uncertainties trembled on melting edges
would my baby pay the price of this unthinking ignorance?
and now…..
The secure heart has this gaping hole of vulnerability and glorious fragility marches forward with purpose.
Categories: poetry, reflections, vulnerability.
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