The torment of (in)decision

By | November 15, 2009

How does one go on fighting against all odds? How does one keep struggling to keep a family afloat, when no one else seems to care? How can a man look at his own flesh and blood child and keep coming home drunk? Where does a woman draw the line between giving up too easily and walking away while she can?

What does a mother answer a child curious about a father distanced because of her decisions? What does a mother answer a father about their child she’s taking away?
The world is a cruel place. There are many who would like to listen to your woes and gleefully prescribe how things should be. And no “solution” fits the problem.
I’m going through a bad, bad time. Pressured on every front there is – relationships, money, responsibility, scarcity….. Naturally, since its me, it follows that the one place where me having a problem would have an easy answer has no problem. The joy of my life is Nisarg. I feel just peachy to be a mom. Other problems that were already huge before this little guy came are now overwhelming.
There are no easy answers. No one to support me if I walk away from my family, and no one to support the family financially if I walk away. The sorrow is that the only thing to crash in my absence would be the finances. Shows how used I allowed myself to be.
Now, I have a little one to think of. Safety, relationships, life…. I have made the choices that bring me here. He hasn’t. How do I go on so that he doesn’t suffer for mine?

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