I used to think of myself as a pretty self aware person. And sure, to a great extent, I am. But then, the self is like an onion the more layers you peel off, the tastier the core remains.
Nisarg is throwing me into a new learning curve as a person. It is impossible to have masks with infants. They operate on such a primitive level, that they simply don’t comprehend the masks. I may talk of patience and being there for him at 4am in the morning, but he knows what I will never verbalize – sleep, damnit!
Needless to say, it doesn’t work. Then, as my impatience shows through, he gets agitated. Eventually, exhausted, I’m beyond impatience, and what he sees is what he gets. A limp, sleepy mom. And suddenly sleep sounds like a good idea to him too.
Approaching the same situaiton in another way, I could say that my moods transfer to him. If I’m tense, I will never be able to get him to relax. If I’m waiting for him to sleep, he’s waiting right along with me…..
I may talk baby talk with him, but when I enjoy myself, I get gummy grins. When I’m just talking to “make him quiet” I get hurt and puzzled looks as he shreds my heart by looking into my eyes when he cries.
Many inexplicable situations later, I’m slowly starting to question the honesty of my behaviour. Sure. I’m honest to some extent. But what is the real issue? What are my feelings for my son that I disown because they are not “appropriate”?
This reminds me of some comments I got on my poem “What you see is what you get” on facebook and in my emails. The essence is:
A child gives birth to a mother.
The teacher comes as the humble student.
I think it is important that I remember that juust because I happened to be born earlier doesn’t mean that I know it all. Just because he is dependent on me doesn’t mean that the vast learnings he brings me are to be less respected than the most insightful guru around. Just because he isn’t a famous guru doesn’t mean that he is any less effective in transforming my life.
Its incredible how when I strip off all the facades, resign myself to the demise of all pretences and embrace the joy of simply being; how much joy I am able to spread. How much caring I am able to convey. How much support I am able to contribute…. How much MORE I am, just because a pint size teacher chose to be naked and embrace life with open arms.