Nisarga has a cold. He has been whiny, fussy, clingy all day. Shoulders tired of carrying him. Ears tired of hearing crying I have no idea how to fix. I take care of his comforts, but …. I suppose he is just …. unhappy.
End of day time, and he was showing no signs of wanting to sleep. Only crying, clinging…. I had been thinking of an ugly incident all day today, where two people got stabbed on the street and died, and justice is being obstructed by politicians themselves. It is a frustrating subject. Perfect recipe for short tempers, and I should have seen it coming.
I was trying to rock Nisarga to sleep and he was in a kind of limbo. Not asleep, but quiet. And I reached for my much neglected mug of tea. That was the time for him to jerk and throw himself around crying again, and the tea spilled on both of us. It wasn’t hot, of course, or I’d never have brought it near him, but still, terrified he could burn himself like this (illogical, I know) and partly tired and frustrated myself, I just yelled at him asking him what he wanted and why he wasn’t sleeping.
Eyes big as saucers, lower lip trembling, sobs started spilling… and damn. What was his fault at all? He was ill, miserable and showing it the only way he could. What did I expect? For him to hide and suffer alone if he was unhappy? Whose job was it to keep him safe from things he didn’t understand? Mine. I felt like a total rat.
I hugged him close, apologized, sang him a song, offered water, did all I could to get him settled and comfortable again, and was humbled that he trusted me again. Not that he had a choice. A friend once wrote:
A kid never loves you. They are dependent on you, they are used to you, they know comfort through you. Love comes much later, if they do have a choice and still choose you – you have to earn that.
So true. It is so easy to think of myself as a caring parent and act in an uncaring way. I was ugly, I was disrespectful, and I ignored both our tiredness and irritation till it spilled over, and then took it out on him. Not proud of myself today, but learning.
And maybe I did learn something, because fifteen minutes after my great enlightenment, the little guy was fast asleep. Maybe he simply needed me to be more respectful of his mood to be comfortable?