Getting a “much deserved” lecture on how to stop avoiding home life and start “doing more” at home. House is a mess. I know. I should hire another maid. Can’t afford. They all have their problems with me, but still don’t want me to leave. They are large hearted. I wish they weren’t. What they say is right. I am too depressed, using work as an escape, should be paying more attention to home and taking son out more. I don’t feel like doing it. Feel vaguely guilty (as intended) for Nisarga. The rest didn’t stick. Am I a selfish, callous person with a big ego? Probably. That is all I can afford right now. No energy to explain my landscape right now. No energy to explain the overwhelming task of using brief spurts of time to “do everything” in the house that reverts faster than I can fix. No energy to explain the futility of tidying up, when the Raka uses the floor as his godown. No energy to explain that I don’t have the money to pay the bills. No energy to explain that the way I get spoken to makes me want to avoid people and that I think its okay if I do so. Depression is a luxury name for being lazy apparently. Feel sad about Nisarga. I do my work online, and I do it more and more hoping to earn more money, but mostly as an escape because I get very depressed and angry when I look at the house. I exit the computer only for my son, and very brief spurts of work around the house. Many essential things neglected. Why me? Apparently, it is the fate of a woman to be saddled with uncaring men. What hurts is why Nisarga? He didn’t do anything to deserve this shit. Fast losing hope of finding any understanding in this place. Don’t wish to leave home, because for what its worth, in my nice little depressed world, it is the one familiar thing. The known evil, so to say, but coming to accept that I am only going to sink more here.